


The Letter

by corvyna



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Lexa is an idiot, and Clarke is perfect as per usual, and I don't know what to write in the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 08:54:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11733756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvyna/pseuds/corvyna
Summary: This story was inspired by the story "Could end in burning flames (or paradise)" by the wonderful DreamsAreMyWords and I'm posting it with their kind permission.It's set right after the end of "Could end in burning flames". Lexa writes a letter to Clarke to apologise and explain herself. She doesn't expect anything to come of it, but as per usual, Clarke surprises her with her reaction.I kinda felt like Lexa would not just sit on her mistakes for six years wihtout doing something, I don't know.





	1. No Expectations Attached

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DreamsAreMyWords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamsAreMyWords/gifts).



> Please be kind, this is my first story in years and also the first I ever dared to publish in English. I'm not a native speaker and I'm afraid it shows. Please feel free to point out any mistakes or stuff that seems wonky to you so I can improve.  
> Also make sure to read "Could end in burning flames" http://archiveofourown.org/works/6081015/chapters/13938168 and the follow up "Is love for real without the lies" http://archiveofourown.org/works/7588948/chapters/17268811 by DreamsAreMyWords and leave some kudos there.^.-

„My dearest Clarke,

 

I know fully well that I have no right to ask you to read this letter. I understand if you find yourself unable or do not want to read my words. There are no expectations attached, there is only a mere glimmer of hope that you can find it in you to read this through until the end. But even then there are no hopes, let alone expectations of forgiveness.

 

It appears that I, too, have a tendency to do stupid things. Only that – unlike you – I never realised my mistakes as such. Not until it was too late.

The first and biggest mistake was, of course, Costia. There are no words to express how very sorry I am for not believing you, when you told me about her true nature. I was too grief-stricken about losing her all these months ago and then too confused of her being back in my life so suddenly, to realise how right you were and that I should have trusted you all along.  


This is not an excuse, of course. Costia broke my heart and gave me no reason to trust her ever again and yet I did not want to see what was directly in front of me. You, on the other hand, never gave me a reason not to trust you, and yet… You have always been honest with me and even had the courage to warn me against her, when you knew how very wrong this could go. You are so brave, Clarke, so strong. You knew – must have known – there was a possibility that I would not believe you, that I would reject you, tell you, you were crazy. In all honesty, I did not believe you. I lied to you and it just adds to all the wrongs I did you. I wanted to believe you, of course, but a very immature, childish part of me did not want the memory of my first love to get stained. I wanted to hold it dear, even after what she did to me. It is stupid, I know that now.

Then you forgot your purse at my place, so I drove over to your house. I was so happy to have an excuse to see you again before morning, to be able to kiss you again. My heart stopped when I saw you in the living room, naked, wrapped up in someone else.  
How many times had I imagined this moment, when I would first see you like this, when we would get there, painting it vividly in my mind. This was not how I imagined seeing you for the first time…or ever, for that matter.

Now, of course, I know how wrong I was – again. You needed my help, my comfort, my shoulder to cry on, not my stupidity and mistrust. This was the time when I could and should have proven myself to you. Instead I utterly failed you and let jealousy lead my steps, hurting you even more.

Clarke, I cannot begin to tell you how very sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you, not in this way or any other, not ever.

I cannot ask you for forgiveness, I deserve nothing of the kind, but I want you to know that I deeply regret everything I did from the moment on you stepped into my living room looking for comfort and were met with nothing but unfair, utterly undeserved accusations and hatred. Although I never hated you, of course. Not for one second. I was hurt and lashed out. I did and said things that will haunt me for a very long time, possibly for the rest of my life. This is only fair, considering the pain my actions and words must have inflicted on you. You deserved so much better, Clarke.

You were hurt and frightened and I was stupid and selfish and wrapped up in my own pain. And I even let Costia ruin my life all over again, bringing you down with me.  
As I said, it appears that I, too, have a tendency to do stupid things.

 

My second big mistake was not even allowing you to explain yourself. You deserved that much, even if you had cheated on me. I gave Costia that chance.

All I could think of were the hours arguing with Costia, screaming, crying, hearing her excuses and accusations, and I could not do it again. When I needed to be strong, I was weak and you paid the price.

I might be able to forgive myself my immediate reaction of shutting you out, even lashing out. But never will I be able to find an excuse for my behaviour in the week that followed. I had my “head so far up my own ass” that I could see neither logic nor reason and was “completely full of shit”, as Anya so smartly put it. Also Costia poisoned my every thought and fuelled my suspicions by feeding me lies about you. None of this is an excuse, merely reasons. I cannot understand how I could listen to Costia again and believe the lies she told about you, but not trust you enough to believe the truth about her. Nothing will ever be able to excuse this.  
And now I am afraid to have ruined everything for both of us. And while I certainly deserve to suffer, you do not.

My dear, dear Clarke, you are so good and you have such a gentle soul. All I can hope for is that I have not ruined this, that you can still love and that one day you will find the person that deserves you. Although no one will ever truly deserve you. Clarke, you are special and you deserve every beautiful thing in the world. Most of all you deserve unconditional love and happiness.

One I could offer you, but only now, only too late, and the other I fear I have destroyed every chance of ever being able to give to you. Through my actions I deprived myself of the right to even think about happiness with you.

 

But still I cannot stop thinking of you. Of how your eyes lighten up when you think of one of your grand schemes to prank Anya, how they grew darker with lust when we kissed, how they sparkled in the sunlight, the smell of your hair, how it felt in my hands. And your lips…

 

Clarke, my sweet, beautiful Clarke, I want you to know that all of these memories, as wonderful as they might be in nature, bring me nothing but pain now that I lost you and ruined every chance of making more memories of the same kind.

I know you must feel almost the same, only that you did nothing wrong. None of this was your fault. I hope you will be able to get over the pain, will be able to move on.

I never meant for any of this to happen. I was stupid and that stupidity cost me what might have been the love of my life. Because I do love you, Clarke, with my whole heart. But it does not matter and it should not matter, not to you.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish you all the best for your life. I hope it will be full of happiness and laughter and love. You are the best person I could ever hope to meet and despite everything I’m thankful I was allowed to get to know you.

 

With all my love,  
Lexa”


	2. A Glimmer of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month after Lexa's letter, Clarke finally reacts to it. Lexa doesn't know what to make of it all, but maybe, just maybe...there is a glimmer of hope?

One Month later

**2:17 a.m. PRINCESS CLARKE**  
Lexa?

**2:17 a.m. COMMANDER LEXA**  
Clarke?

**2:49 a.m. PRINCESS CLARKE**  
I just read your letter.

**2:50 a.m.**  
…can we talk?

**3:02 a.m.**  
Lexa? Are you there?

**3:02 a.m. COMMANDER LEXA**  
Yes, I’m here. It’s just…

**3:03 a.m.**  
Of course we can talk.

**3:04 a.m. PRINCESS CLARKE**  
Come over to my house at eight tonight.

**3:05 a.m. COMMANDER LEXA**  
I will be there.

***

Lexa didn’t know what to expect when she pulled her old truck to a halt in Clarke’s driveway. Nervously she fidgeted with the hem of her button down as she rang the doorbell. What was this? Would Clarke yell at her for writing the letter? Probably. And she deserved it, she knew that. It had been idiotic; she should have left Clarke alone like she asked her to. Instead she harassed her with her bullshit explanations. Her stomach was churning and she was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth when Clarke finally opened the door.

The first thing Lexa noticed was how tired Clarke looked. Still stunningly beautiful, but tired.  
Lexa’s mouth went dry and she forgot how to talk entirely. So instead of a greeting she gave Clarke a half-hearted smile that only lasted for a split second, before she looked down to her feet.

“Come in.” Clarke’s voice sounded strange, as if she had been crying for a long time. The thought gave Lexa’s stomach an uncomfortable twist.  
She let her to the living room.

“Sit.” Clarke ordered and sat down herself. Lexa did as she was asked and left a considerate amount of space between them on the sofa.  
Thoughts raced in her head as they sat in silence. She wanted to say something, but felt as if it was up to Clarke to start the conversation, to steer it to the direction she wanted it to go.

***

Lexa looked like Clarke felt. Tired, sad, and scared. She was still stunningly beautiful, of course, but the black shadows under her red-rimmed eyes told Clarke a story of long nights spent crying.

She felt a pang of affection for her. Lexa really tormented herself, even now, a month later. She wanted nothing more than to take Lexa into her arms and tell her everything was going to be alright.  
But she didn’t.

She tried not to lose her nerves as they sat on the couch and silence stretched between them.  
She took a deep breath before she finally spoke.  
“Lexa” she began, looking straight into those green, green eyes she had fallen in love with. “I read your letter yesterday. I couldn’t read it before, but now I have and… You’ve made a mistake.

“No, look at me. You’ve made a mistake, but…everyone makes mistakes. God, I made mistakes and hurt people, because I was selfish and caught up in my own bullshit. And we certainly all do stupid shit when we’re hurt. But, you know, … what would life be without mistakes? What would we learn from it?” Clarke paused briefly.

“Gosh, I probably sound like a fortune cookie, but what I’m trying to say here is…” She gulped audibly and looked down at her hands. Lexa next to her seemed to grow more anxious by the second. She bit down on her bottom lip, as if to restrain herself from saying something. Lexa knew this was Clarke’s moment, not hers.

After taking another deep breath Clarke finally continued: “What I’m trying to say is, we all make mistakes, but that does not make us bad people, as long as we have the strength to admit them and to apologise.

“Lexa, you’re my best friend and I love you. You hurt me, but that doesn’t make me stop loving you, unfortunately…if only it were that easy. In those past weeks I suffered and I think you did, too, and I really don’t want us to suffer.”

With that Clarke stopped and looked at Lexa expectantly, but Lexa didn’t understand. What was Clarke saying? Was there any hope she would be able to get Clarke back after all she had done? Was she forgiven?

A nasty little voice in her head told her not to be so stupid. Clarke was obviously telling her to leave and never come back, to never contact her again, so they could both find some kind of closure.

She looked down at her hands, folded in her lap, still biting her lip, before she could gather the strength to look at Clarke again.  
She allowed herself to get lost in those deep blue eyes one last time, to let her gaze linger at her pink lips, to take in Clarke’s beauty, just one last time. She never wanted to forget, wanted to remember every detail.

Then she gave a small nod and a slight twitch of her lips before she stood up.  
“Thank you, Clarke, for everything. I hope one day we will meet again.” She didn’t trust her voice enough to say anything else.

As she left the living room and walked slowly through the hall, she wanted nothing more than to turn back around and tell Clarke she loved her, one last time. But she didn’t. Instead she kept walking. She had no right to be here anymore.

When she reached the door, she took a deep breath. This would be the last time she would step through this door. Just when she was about to open it, the door slammed shut again. Confused, Lexa turned around, to find herself face to face with a rather irritated looking blonde.

“And where exactly do you think you’re going?”  
Lexa’s confusion grew as she knitted her eyebrows. Could it be?  
“I’m leaving. I thought that’s what you…”  
Before she could finish the sentence she was met with a searing kiss.

Eyes wide with shock, Lexa found herself unable to move, let alone appropriately respond the kiss she hadn’t even dared to dream about. After a moment, Clarke caught on and took a step back. She couldn’t help but laugh at Lexa’s befuddled expression, still standing frozen in place and mouth slightly agape.

When Clarke stopped laughing and Lexa still didn’t move, Clarke stepped back into her personal space and took Lexa’s hand in her own.  
“Hey, idiot, I just told you that I love you, didn’t you get that?” she asked with a soft smile.  
Lexa was still completely dumbfounded. “But…but I thought…”  
“That’s the problem, you think too much, so stop it.” But Lexa couldn’t. This didn’t make any sense. She had hurt Clarke, badly, how could she just kiss her now and pretend everything was fine, like nothing happened?

Clarke seemed to understand, because she took Lexa’s chin and tilted it upwards, so Lexa had to look into her eyes.  
“It means I forgive you. You’re forgiven, Lexa.”  
And Lexa finally understood. Clarke didn’t want her out of her life, she wanted the exact opposite.  
“Clarke, I…” She trailed off as she lost herself in blue eyes. Instead she lifted a hand to Clarke’s face and gently pulled her in for the sweetest kiss of her life.

*

When she stepped out of the front door the next morning, she thought “not for the last time” with a smile.

***

Lexa woke with a start. She looked around her room in bewilderment. The unsent letter still sat on her desk.  
She would not send it. 


End file.
